When I was in my early twenties, thinking that I knew how things were going to pan out, I never thought that I would be entering my mid-thirties without a plan.
No route to follow, no maps, no timeline for anything, no compass. I am starting to realize that I’m lost. Sure, I have my family and I’m the captain of that ship, right? I plan the outings, procure their food, clean their clothes. I got that piece all organized.
But what of me? Of my big plans and the talents that professors talked about expanding?
Everything that interests me is a work in progress.
- After over a year in guitar lessons I can play a few songs only… still a work in progress.
- Photography skills are still developing, evolving… still a work in progress.
- My French speaking abilities are lost for the most part but I try to keep engaged my listening skills… still a work in progress.
- My yoga practice develops so slowly that sometimes I find tears mixed with sweat sliding down my neck as a result of my frustration… still a work in progress.
- Fitness goals…
- Weight loss goals…
- Getting the new house put together…
- Story writing…
- Applications to be filled out…
My whole life is a work in progress.
I like to have goals, reach them and make more, always more, and continue to grow. Lately I just feel that I have lost direction, that I lost a part of me. What do I even want? All of the things, nothing anymore?
It gets harder as I reach that milestone. My thirty-fifth birthday. The chunk of my lifetime that I had envisioned with much more clarity as a young professional and newly-wed. Now the lines on the map have blurred and I don’t know whether to see this as an opportunity to reroute, to reinvent myself or as a giant failure.
Have I lost my way or have I found new ones and I just can’t see them ahead just yet?
Where is it that I want to go? Will I ever arrive? Or will I always be a work in progress in some aspects of my life?
Perhaps that is the whole idea of change and exploration. That we never arrive but we are always going, always growing.
Perhaps is time to just let things be for a while and go back to that sentiment of one of my previous blogs of letting go of control and enjoy the stillness of some days.
Perhaps the beauty of it all is that I am a work in progress.