Speechless

I’m way passed the days where I thought I was having conversations with a doll because I now have a preschooler who can articulate her thoughts and a toddler who can drag me to wherever he needs me to be, yet I still feel that most days I barely speak any adult sentence that is not motherly: “let’s share our toys with our friends”, “it’s time to go!”, “do you want to go to timeout?”

I’m part of a group of moms who has a calendar full of activities and playdates and I’m constantly surrounded by other parents so you would think I get a good chance to have a nice conversation. Sadly, the reality is very different. When I get together with other moms, we spent the majority of the time trying to finish sentences in between playing referee and chasing children around playgrounds.

There are so many topics in my head that I’d love to discuss with another adult but attempting to start a deep conversation is futile most of the time. So when my husband comes home, I need his full attention, I want to talk, to be an adult without having to be a mother at the same time. But he’s had a full day worth of “adult conversations” and cannot wait to have some kid-daddy time and then some peace and quiet.

This speechlessness is so isolating it makes me itch inside. I think it’s even affecting my writing. I used to post on this blog so much more often than I do now and I think is because I have learned to deal with my thoughts mostly in my head. I spent most of my day tackling items from my to-do list, making meals and cleaning messes. The one time that I have for myself is to exercise and though I love to have that time to myself, it doesn’t solve my need to have good conversations.

I wonder if motherhood brings this challenge for everyone. Maybe this speechlessness is only for stay-at-home-moms, or perhaps is a stage in parenthood that only last the years that children are really young. I just hope it comes to an end soon because I have so much to say, so many things to discuss with others but only a few occasions where that actually happens. I feel like pretty soon I will not even know how to have conversations inside my head.

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