One just needs a trip to the supermarket these days to realize of how much food is ready-to-be-served or just takes 2-3 simple steps to be edible. Living in an era where everything happens so fast, from Internet connections that download anything in seconds to coffee that only takes an open package and a cup to be ready, makes patience a rare word almost never pronounced by my lips or exercised by my spirit.
I think I’ve grown so accustomed to having everything at hands reach and the luxury of having so many choices, that I now want everything to happen quickly. You would think that having to wait a long time to get pregnant and then 9 long months to have a baby in my arms would have taught me to wait, but the truth is that I’m as impatient as ever.
Now that my baby is a little bit older and I start having a better sense of what being her mom is, I feel that I’m being chased by the question of “what do you want to do with your life?” I know, such a complex question that comes prepackaged in less than 10 words is hard to analyze in the time that it takes to prepare and drink a cup of coffee. But it is there, lingering in my mind every day. Why am I so concerned with it now? you may ask. Well, to be honest, it’s been there for a while but never had the time to really think about it.
I was raised to be an overachiever, you too? Such a typical trait of us children of the late 70’s and 80’s. So as the overachiever that I am, I always have had my plate full and then went back for seconds: first college and the many extra-curricular activities and internships that I got involved with; then work, happy hours, networking events and board memberships while keeping up with dinner and laundry; then pregnancy and all the reading materials that I felt I NEEDED to check out.
It is natural that now that I decided to resign to my job and maybe my professional self for at least a little while, I find that my multitasking aptitudes need a little more challenge than household chores and diaper changes. I find that my people skills need to be used more often. I also encounter silence and meditation much more often than ever before, which makes me feel guilty of not having the next 5 years of my life all mapped out.
No, I’m not ready to go back to the work force yet, but what do I want then? That is the question that lurks around me all day long and suddenly faces me in the shower, in front of the mirror when I’m brushing my teeth, while driving in the car and sometimes even late at night.
To be completely honest, I don’t really know what I want because there are just so many things. I want to read and learn all what I said I was going to once I was a stay-at-home-mom, but while I have started to catch up on some reading, I just don’t find a consistent chunk of time to keep at it. I would love to start looking into going back to school, but feel guilty of perhaps not giving my baby the attention she deserves. I want to redecorate, organize and clean everything in my home but am afraid of starting projects that I’ll never finish. I want to be a great mom that gives it all for her baby too. Basically, I want it all and that makes it a little hard for me to decide.
Gosh! Why don’t they sell Instant Life Plans? One could go online, take an aptitude and personality test that would find eligible paths to follow, purchase it with a credit card over the Internet and get it shipped at home. Then all what would be left to do for it to materialized would be to add hot water and voila!
Nonsense! I must be going mad. Even though having an instant answer to my question will certainly help my husband understand me better, I don’t really think is the thing that comes to us the easy way. I will try to find a way to keep the word patience alive in my vocabulary, sit back, and enjoy the great ride that motherhood has proven to be so far.